the cullens after BD
by Drops-of -Jupiter92
Summary: this is the cullens 20 years after Breaking dawn ... HUMAOR
1. things Jacob can't do to the Cullens

**A\N... hey everyone its me obsession-jasper-disorder Aka Tara... any ways me and my step sister Tori the one who is writing Edward's guilt helped make this story.. and we are so sorry if its not funny.. we wrote it at 2 in the morning and we were wasted of of monster energy drinks lol more like hyper but we apologize if its not funny.... we might make another chapter depending if ppl like this one or not **

At the Cullen house everyone was in the living room "Okay i've called this meeting because over the past few weeks you guys have been fighting alot more than usually" Carlisle said holding a pice of paper "The only reason for that is the dog" Edward said pointing to Jacob "Yes and this is why I made this list. Things Jacob can't do to the Cullen's" Carlisle said looking at the paper.

**Carlisle:** "1. No saying that your about to have sex with Nessie right in front of Edward"

**Jacob: **"But we where"

**Edward:** "You are so dead". Edward attacks Jacob

**Nessie:** "Dad! stop" (Edward continues to attack Jacob. Bella Laughs) "MOM!!!"

**Bella:** "Sorry honey. Okay Edward thats enough" (Edward sits back on the couch and gives Jake a angry look)

**Carlisle:** "2. Never call us when you are on sugar high"

**Flashback**

**Edward: **(Answers his phone) "Hello?"

**Jacob: **"Hey my bestest buddy"

**Edward: **"What do you want dog?"

**Jacob: ***Gasp* "Now is that the way to talk to your son-in-law?"

**Edward: **"I hate you"

**Jacob" ***Gasp* "I thought we were best friends"

**Nessie: **"JAKE!!!!!!!!!!!"

**Jacob: **"Hey babe"

**Edward: ** "Well sounds like your in trouble so i'm going to hang up now"

**Nessie: **"I am so going to kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!..... Why is the house trashed and candy wrappers everywhere !!!!!!!"

**Edward: **"Or I guess I can listen to this"

**Jacob: **"Well me and some friends had a party"

**Nessie: **"IN MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! you are so sleeping outside tonight"

**Edward: **(Laughs)

**Jacob: **"Oh come on......."

**Nessie: **(Pushes Jake out the door and shuts and locks it)

**Jacob: **"Please let me in.............. now I need a place to stay.... Edward can I

**Edward: **(Hangs up quickly)

**Jacob: **"How rude"

**End of Flashback **

**Edward: **(Laughs)

**Jacob: **"That was so not funny and it wasn't the sleeping outside that killed me it was the no sex for 2 mouths"

**Carlisle: **"Anyways 3. Do not lock Jasper in a closet with emotional wrecked people and suicidal people... It always ends badly"

**Jacob: **(Laughs) "Ya watching a vampire trying to kill himself with stake knifes is hilarious"

**Alice: **"It took us a week to get him back to normal"

**Edward: **"The only funny part to that was the pay back Jasper got on you"

**Emmett: **"Speaking of that where is your boyfriend Embry anyways"

**Jacob: **"I do not love Embry!!!!!!"

**Jasper: **"Then why did you say that you wanted to make out with him?"

**Jacob: **"Because you made me feel that way you stupid leach"

**Jasper: **"Never mess with Jasper Whitlock Hale...... unless your Alice then you can do anything you want with me"

**Alice: ***giggles*

**Edward: **"Oh come you guys keep your thoughts to yourself"

**Carlisle: **"Alright 4. No getting pissed and exploding into a giant wolf just because we have no cupcakes "

**Jacob: **"Well you never have cupcakes in the house"

**Edward: **"Where vampires you idiot we don't eat cupcakes"

**Jacob: **"Hey i'm not a idiot"

**Rosalie: **"Your a bigger idiot then Emmett"

**Bella: "**If that was even possible"

**Emmett:** "Well I feel underappreciated"

**Rosalie: **"You mean unappreciated"

**Emmett: **"Ooooooo look at you your soooo smart.. Why don't you learn not to be such a Bitch and Just give me what I want!!!!!!!" (Stomps upstairs)

**Bella: **"Ummmmmmmmm?"

**Esme: **"What's wrong with him"

**Rosalie: **"He is just mad cuz we haven't had sex in like 2 weeks ... but i can fix that" (Walks up stairs giggling)

**Edward: **(Bangs head on wall repeatedly)

**Carlisle: **"Okay well 5. You can't do yard work for us any more... where tired of finding holes everywhere"

**Jacob: **"How many times do I have too tell you I buried a bone and forgot where I buried it!"

**Esme: **"Well use your own yard!!! stop wrecking mine!!!!"

**Jacob: **"I did use my own yard but Nessie yelled at me"

**Edward: **"Idiot"

**Jacob: **"Stop calling me an idiot"

**Carlisle: **"Okay moving on. Never ever ever EVER use Alice's close for a fashion show when you are high off of sugar"

**Flashback**

Jacob Is in the living room with Alice's strapless light blue dress on

**Jacob: **"I'm to sexy for my fur to sexy for my fur oh to sexy.... I'm to sexy for Renesmee to sexy for Renesmee oh to sexy"

**Nessie: **(Walks in the living room) "Hey Jacob what do you......................."

**Jacob: **"Hey babe"

**Nessie: "**...................."

**Jacob: **"I know i'm to sexy"

**Nessie: **"Please tell me thats not Alice's Strapless light blue dress"

**Jacob: **"Well I got it out of her closet"

**Alice: **"Hey Nessie what are you and Jake doing?"

**Nessie: **"..."

**Alice: **(looks at Jacob) ......... IS THAT MY STRAPLESS LIGHT BLUE DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**Nessie: **"Well I guess its time to leave ...... RUN JAKE!!!!!!"

**Jacob: **(runs outside) " AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

**Alice: **(Runs after Jacob) I'm going to kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Nessie: **"Alice I know he is an complete idiot but pleaseeeee don't kill him"

**Alice: **"Fine but you have to ground him"

**Nessie: **"Don't worry... No sex for three mouths"

**Alice:** "Okay good..... god Nessie you married an idiot"

**Nessie: **"I wouldn't be talking"

**Alice: **"And what's that suppose to mean?"

**Nessie: **"No offense but Jasper isn't the smartest person I know"

**Alice: **"True but he is HOT!!!!! and he's great in bed"

**Edward: **(calls out from the house) "I did not need that mental picture Alice!!!"

**End of flashback**

**Jacob: **"Speaking of that how long till we can have sex again?"

**Nessie: **"2 weeks"

**Jacob: **"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**A\n like i said where weird i no its probably not funny but my stepsister bugged me to post it so please no mean comets i'm begging you.. lol it was mostly her idea.. i'm better at making tragedy stories.. but i did help with this one to....=] .. its our first humor stor**y


	2. back to the 70's

**A/N Heyyyyy guys! Im here with a new chapter Yay! okay so this chap is kinda a crossover between that'70s show and twilight so enjoy! Oh and for parings its Alice/Jasper, Edward/Bella , Jacob/ nessie, Carlisle/ Esme, Emmett/ Rosalie, Eric/Donna, Kelso/Jackie**

**Forks, Washington**

**Friday afternoon, 2011**

**Location: the Cullen's living room**

**Rosalie:** "Hey Alice have you seen Emmett and Jasper lately?"

**Alice: ***Reading a magazine* "Last I checked they were working on a time machine"

**Rosalie: **"Don't those morons no that they are not even close to being smart enough to make one?"

**Alice: **"Apparently not"

(**in Emmett's room)**

**Emmett: **" Wow we are almost done" *fake cries* I am so proud

**Jasper: **"I know, I cant wait to try this thing out"

**Rosalie: ***Walks in* "you guys really think this is going to work?" *laughs* "what the hell are the buttons suppose to stand for?"

**Emmett: ***Whispers to Jasper* " Wow and we're the moron's?" *rolls eyes* "Well Rose its very simple .. You see the button with the ducky on it is to select the state/town . The cow is to select what year and the little froggie is to go"

**Jasper: "**Its basic math"

**Rosalie: ***Says nothing and walks away*

**Emmett: "**It must have been to much for her to handle.. Oh well lets test this baby out! *runs into the time machine*

**Jasper: ***Gets in* "Okay lets do this"

**Emmett: **"Okayyyyy" *Presses the duck button twice, the cow button really fast and presses the frog*

**Point Place, Wisconsin **

**Friday afternoon, 1978**

**Location: Eric Forman's basement **

**Eric: ***Watching Tv* "Okay Fez change it"

**Fez: **(sitting near the Tv) *Changes it*

**Hyde: "**Yeah change it"

**Fez: ***changes it*

**Jackie: **"Ugh change it"

**Fez: ***changes it*

**Donna: **"How did we change the channel before Fez came?"

**Kelso:** "I don't think we did"

**( All of a sudden Emmett's and Jasper's time machine appears)**

**Eric: **"What the hell! * (Everyone looks)

**Hyde: **"What the?" *gets up*

**Kelso:** "Maybe it's the feds after us again!"

**Eric: ***looks at Kelso* "Kelso have you been making threats to the Whitehouse again?"

**Donna: **"Guys shut up" *Looks at the time machine as the door opens*

**Eric: ***grabs his toy light saver* okay I'm ready

**Emmett and Jasper:** (walks out of the time machine)

**Emmett: **"whoa look Jasper I think it worked!"

**Jasper: **"Wow it did work!*

**Hyde: "**Okay who the hell are you?"

**Emmett: "**We are Emmett and Jasper from the future and we come in peace"

**Jasper: **"unless you get a paper cut then your on your own"

**Hyde:***looks at everyone else* "Okay We really need to stop hitting the circle more then 3 times a day"

**Donna: **"Yeah I agree with Hyde"

**Fez:**: "Are you guys really from the future?"

**Jasper: **"Yes! We are from the year 2011"

**Jackie: **"Yeah right prove it"

**Emmett: **"Okay we will take you guys back to our time.. oh and we are vampires "

**Hyde, Fez , Eric, Donna, Jackie, Kelso: ***Laughs*

**Hyde: **"Yeah okay and im not high right now" *laughs*

**Emmett: **"No im serious watch" *rips his arm off and reattaches it*

**Jasper: ***shows his fangs*

**Hyde….**

**Donna: **"Whoa"

**Kelso: **"That's awesome! Haha cant wait to tell everyone that I saw a vampire!"

**Emmett: **"No you can't tell anyone!"

**Kelso:** "why not?"

**Emmett: **"You just can't! Now say 'I rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass then tell'

**Kelso:** "Is that possible?" O.o

**Emmett: "**Say it!"

**Kelso: **"Okay okay! I rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass then tell *creped out face*

**Emmett: **"Okay good" *looks at Eric* "Oh my god look he has a light saver!" *hides behind Jasper* "Don't hurt me"

**Hyde: **"Okay is the future a world filled with Kelso's or something?"

**Donna: ***laughs* wow

**Jasper: "**damn how come we don't have light savers ! .. What year is it?"

**Jackie:** "its 1978 and that's just a toy"

**Fez: **"Take us to the future! Is there hot chicks in the future?"

**Emmett: **"Yes but they are way bitchier"

**Hyde:**: "Yeah apparently you never met Jackie"

**Jackie: ***Pinches Hyde*

**Hyde: **"Owww.. See what I mean"

**Donna:** "Okay whatever just take us to the future"

**Jasper: **"Alright back to the future we go! Everyone get into the time Machine!"

(**everyone gets into the time machine and They go back to the year 2011)**

…**. To be continued **

**A\n well that's the first episode hope you liked it ****J tune in next time for the next episode **


End file.
